Portland Buzz: Mayor Declares “Donut Emergency”

‘Portland Buzz: Mayor Declares “Donut Emergency”‘Portland Buzz: Mayor Declares “Donut Emergency” In a bold and unprecedented move, Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler has declared a “donut emergency” following an alarming spike in donut-related incidents. “Our city is facing an unprecedented donut crisis,” Wheeler said at a press conference. “We’ve seen a sharp increase in donut thefts, donut hoarding, and even donut-fueled street brawls.” The mayor’s declaration comes after a series of incidents that have left Portlanders in a state of donut-induced panic. Last week, a man was arrested for stealing a delivery truck filled with over 10,000 donuts intended for a local food bank. In another incident, a group of donut enthusiasts broke into a donut shop and made off with hundreds of donuts, leaving only a trail of frosting and disappointment in their wake. The situation has been exacerbated by the recent opening of several high-end donut shops in the city, which have created a frenzy among donut lovers. Lines outside these shops stretch for blocks, and some donut varieties have been fetching astronomical prices on the black market. “This donut emergency is not just a matter of food shortages,” Wheeler said. “It’s also a threat to our community’s health and safety. When people are desperate for donuts, they start doing crazy things.” In response to the crisis, Wheeler has implemented a set of emergency measures to address the donut shortage. These measures include: * Establishing donut rationing guidelines * Increasing police patrols around donut shops * Forming a Donut Emergency Response Team (DERT) * Establishing a “Donut Hotline” for citizens to report donut-related incidents Wheeler urged Portlanders to “stay calm” and to “donate any spare donuts to those in need.” He also assured the public that the city was working “tirelessly” to resolve the donut emergency. The mayor’s declaration has been met with mixed reactions from Portlanders. Some have praised Wheeler for taking decisive action, while others have criticized the declaration as an overreaction. One Portlander, who identified himself only as Dave, said, “I think it’s a little ridiculous. I mean, it’s not like we’re facing a zombie apocalypse or anything.” However, another Portlander, who declined to give her name, said, “I’m actually really glad the mayor is taking this seriously. I’ve seen how cutthroat people can get over donuts, and it’s scary.” The donut emergency is expected to continue for several weeks until the city can replenish its donut supply and restore order to the streets. In the meantime, Portlanders are advised to exercise caution when consuming donuts and to be prepared for potential donut-related emergencies.